my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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