Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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