I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
