I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
