So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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