so that wasnt chicken after all
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have feelings that need drinking.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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