my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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