Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
