I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
