Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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