Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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