It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize