You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
