Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My hand turned me down
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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