thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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