I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
