I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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