Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
