I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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