Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
