it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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