I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
