Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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