His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
