Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Randomize
