On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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