I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
