I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i barfeds in our rink
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
