I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
