Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
