So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
