i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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