I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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