The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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