I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
