you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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