did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
