My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
