I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize