It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
