I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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