I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
