my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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