I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
