Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
