even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
