Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
