i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
