apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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