nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
