I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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