I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
