Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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