I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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