i think my tv is drunk
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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