The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize