Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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