FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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